Welcome to List Wars
Wednesday, January 29, 2003
An Army must be assembled to defeat Saddam Hussein. A small group of Super Patriots will be created. Help choose them.
The list now has 14 names, after your votes it will be a TOP 10. Vote on who should be eliminated, who should stay and make suggestions for who should be added.
Comment and Vote by clicking on Comments and Vote at the end of each post
1. Rocky IV
This is the Rocky that went to Soviet Russia and took the political hostility between the respective nations/cultures and made a Big Statement on change, peace and the never-say-die courage of good ol' America. A case can be made that Rocky ended the Cold War, so ending the Gulf War should be a piece of cake. Rocky's not scared of Saddam Hussein, after all Ivan Drago's physically a monster of a man who kills rocky's best bud World Champion Apollo Creed. Saddam Hussein is a monster but physically is what Hans and Franz would call a 'Girly-Man'
And much like Saddam Hussein making threats about the mother of all battles and bringing hell fire down on America. Drago issued his own threat, 'I will break you'. Rocky wasn't scared of Drago and he ain't scared of Saddam.
Remember how Rocky won over the Russian crowd during his fight with Drago? Well the same thing will happen to the Republican Guard when they spot Rocky jogging across the desert armed with his boxing gloves and an American flag draped around his shoulders. Especially with his theme music playing in the background.
2. The Duke Boys and Daisy too.
Bo, Luke and Daisy will be a long way from Hazzard County for this one but America needs their southern spirit. The General Lee will have to be air lifted and parachute dropped to get 'in country'. The Duke boys can lead the chasing Iraqi tanks in a "wild goose chase" while Daisy poses as a Harem girl to infiltrate Iraqi head quarters. All this action will be easy to follow with the Dukes of Hazzard narrator giving us updates when CNN coverage comes back from commercial. I can see it now, the General Lee tearing across the dessert kicking up clouds of dust leading Iraqi tanks in circles. Just when it looks like they will be caught Luke Duke will know some back roads way along the Tigris River and they will escape. With a blare of General Lee's Dixie Horn and a Rebel Yell from Bo they will leave the Iraqi's eating dust (see sound link). Yes, the South will rise again. Maybe after the war is over we can give Iraq to the Confederacy.
Dixie Horn sound link
Rambo made us all feel better about the outcome of the Vietnam War when he went back there in the 80's and whooped up on some commies, jungle style. He can make us feel good again by helping to end this Saddam Hussein menace real quick. Rambo never adapted well to civilian life and we have to find him a fight before he goes to war with your local police department, ala "First Blood".
Rambo already showed he can kick ass in the dessert ("Rambo III"). He also gets along with Muslims and has fought on their side before, so the anti-war crowd can't shout 'We hate Muslims'. Rambo could sneak into Iraq and hook up with a group of Iraqi rebels and lead them in the effort to topple Saddam. Wouldn't it be great seeing Rambo notch one of his patented flaming arrows into his bow and letting it fly, then seeing it blow up Saddam Hussein. That would look great on the big screen or on CNN. The whole theater/ country would be cheering!!, except for Sheryl Crow who would prefer us to "just not have enemies". America's moral would be at an all time high.
4. Captain America
It's all in the name baby. And the look.
5. Bazooka Joe
Bazooka Joe can hand out gum to Iraqi children. The Iraqi children will get another pleasant suprise when they find the comic strip inside. They also get their fortunes told. Rebuilding Iraq begins with chewing gum and comic strips, after this the rest will follow.
6. The drill instructor from Full Metal Jacket.
Remember this guy? If you don't, click the link for an audio refresher.
If we are going to send a Patriotic Crew to Iraq to defeat Saddam we are going to need someone to whip them into shape. The potential crew I have assembled is definitely going to need some discipline. Take Al Bundy for instance:
Drill Instructor: What is your major malfunction, Numbnuts?
Al Bundy: You see it's the wife...
Drill Instructor: You slimey scumbag, get on your face and give me 25!
This guy has played hard ass military types in so many movies, he is perfect.
Getting chewed out! sound link
7. The A Team
If we send the A team we can defeat Iraq without killing anyone. First they will find a hideout in an abandoned Baghdad garage. Then they will assemble from scratch an assault vehicle. Next they will smash their Assault Vehicle through the garage door to begin their rampage of destruction. Then they will blow up the attacking Iraqis by firing rockets that land near the Iraqis, causing them to fly through the air but land on the ground or in water unharmed. All the while Murdock will be saying zany things to provide comic relief. Unfortunately Mr. T. will spot Rocky in the streets of Baghdad and a rematch will ensue.
8. Spies like us pair Submitted by Chuck D
Ok, the ultimate rag-tag pair of US patriots. One is a supposed diplomat (Chevy Chase) but is actually a bumbling, yet witty, idiot. The other is a code breaker who actually takes his job seriously (Dan Akroyd) and knows his shit. Somehow, even though they are clueless, and hardly trained for field-intelligence work, they single-handedly save the world from a nuclear war between Russian and the USA that would have surely resulted to an "end to humanity as we know it." If we sent these two to Iraq, they would quickly, -and accidentally- infultrate the Iraqi government, find all the nuclear/chemical/bilogical weapons there might be and rid the world of them. Even though it would be a total accidental success, they would clearly help the cause. They would even probably get a couple of good-lookin Iraqi babes out of the whole deal and come home heros.
9. Al Bundy
Time to give Iraq a little slice of middle class American suburbia, Bundy style. You can say a lot of things about Al Bundy good and bad but one thing everyone would agree on is Al Bundy is proud to be an American. Al would be the first to volunteer for this duty and it wouldn't be just to escape the wife and kids. Al already got all the battle fatigues he needs, he can re-live his glory days by putting on his old Polk High football uniform. He can touch down in Iraq with a hefty bag full of women shoes. He alone can convince Iraq to give up their weapons of mass destruction by fitting Iraqi women with shoes. Once they see all the nice shoes the economic sanctions are preventing them from having they are sure to overthrow the government.
10. The Wolverines from Red Dawn
If any one hasn't seen Red Dawn. Go see it now, it's a classic. In the movie Communist forces invade America in a sneak attack. Unfortunately we aren't able to repel them immediately and the Commies take over and occupy part of the USA. A group of high school teenagers lead by Jeb (Patrick Swayze) take to the hills with a supply of canned food and hunting rifles. I am a supporter of gun control but the great thing about having a plethora of available guns in this country is we will be damn hard to invade because every Tom, Dick and Jane will be shooting at the invading force.
The high schoolers start waging a guerilla war on the occupation force and call themselves "The Wolverines"
The Wolverines were a Patriotic Bunch and just for that they deserve to Defend American in Iraq. Jennifer Grey was one of the Wolverines so maybe after the War is over she and Patrick Swayze can teach the Iraqis some "Dirty Dancing".
10. Uncle Sam
Uncle Sam is pissed. So pissed that he is taking a time out from his recruitment duties and is enlisting to do the fightin' himself this time. Sam's been recruiting since the American Revolution but now he "Wants you Saddam Hussein".
12. Jack Ryan Submitted by Chuck D
Jack Ryan is a tough former marine, who has a doctorate in history and is also considered a guru among the intelligence community. The CIA just won't leave him alone because he is just THAT GOOD and his country needs him again. He doesn't even necessarilly need to GO to Iraq, he just needs to be put in charge of the intelligence gathering, although, he would probably end up going into the "field" and helping out in Iraq, as he does in every movie he's been a part of (ala being on a submarine in "the hunt for Red October," going to Columbia in "Clear and Present Danger," and trying to gather information for the president in a nuclear fall-out zone in "The Sum of All Fears." Jack is also a great weapon against terrorism as he proved in "Patriot Games" when he protected British Royalty from extremist Irish terrorists. Jack Ryan is an all-American, honest, freedom-loving citizen of the US who would go to endless means to defeat Iraq and Sadaam quickly and with few casualties so as to protect the citizens of the US.
13. The President from Independence Day
He can give the pep talk to the Patriotic Force as they are shipping out. Remember the speech he made before the final battle with the Aliens? It gave me chills. He's also a multilateralist so he can sell this to the UN and keep the rest of the world liking us.
14. Maverick and Goose
The Patriotic Force is going to need air support. Who better to streak across the Iraqi skies than our favorite pair from Top Gun.
"Goose I'm gonna buzz the palace"
"Don't do it Mav!!"
Next we see Sadamm Hussien standing on his balcony waving his fist in the air at the passing Jet.
Or how about this:
France and Germany: You two really are cowboys.
Maverick: What's your problem, Weasels?
France and Germany: You're everyone's problem. That's because everytime you go up in the air, you're unsafe. I don't like you because you're dangerous.
Maverick: That's right! Eur.... Ope. I am dangerous.
Best of all they will be doing all this to one of the best movie soundtracks of all time.